picture Archives - Elephants Never

Creatures Give Advice (Book Review)

Andre — Fri, 12 Apr 2019 10:00:10 +0000

Today our resident pachyderms make way for the delightful inhabitants of Roppotucha Greenberg‘s Creatures Give Advice (available in paperback and ebook formats). Though elephants never fret, they do worry and wonder. And Creatures Give Advice packs enough wisdom and whimsy to satisfy even the most elephantine imagination. Advice Bureau Things didn’t always go to plan. Last Tuesday, for instance… Finding Read More

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Shit

Andre — Fri, 29 Mar 2019 19:16:52 +0000

The older man in the floppy hat snapped another picture, and Ephram almost went rogue. Spirits of Africa, how many candid shots do they need? If they lingered much longer, Ephram wouldn’t be able to control himself. He had to shit! For the last half-hour, Ephram had been tromping about, flinging mud onto himself, and squeezing his butt cheeks hard Read More

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Elephants Never Foretell – Groundhog

Andre — Sat, 02 Feb 2019 05:50:00 +0000

Okay, so maybe we’re feeling optimistic. Maybe whatever groundhog you worship brought you less positive news. Where we come from, hope springs eternal, and our groundhog has the mayor scared to visit. What hope does winter have?

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Reset

Andre — Thu, 03 Jan 2019 16:50:30 +0000

Dr. Pam stood solemnly, watching her child transform into a monster. Across three screens, blue code tumbled in an ever-increasing cascade, while other interfaces flashed warning pop-ups and sounded alarms. Somehow, the AI named Eleph834 was trashing the Nets, Webs, and server prisons built to contain it. Soon, it would burst free to wreak havoc on the larger world of Read More

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Winter Clothing Poll

Andre — Sat, 22 Dec 2018 13:28:26 +0000

Help us pick our winter clothes! Vote below for as many designs as you like. We’ll keep the voting open until Santa comes to our neighborhood (11:59 PM EST). And we’ll reveal the winner on Christmas Day. If you like, you can also vote by liking or retweeting each design on Twitter (@AnElephantNever) or Instagram (@anelephantnever).

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Connect

Andre — Fri, 23 Nov 2018 17:04:29 +0000

She flutters through cyberspace like a ponderous, punctured zeppelin. A couple likes here, some right-swiping there, her trunk trawls the surface of communities in passing. But she never plunges in to join the interactive, GIF-sharing multitudes. Despite their herd backgrounds, elephants never connect. Not like this anyway, she muses. Hashtags and hand-waves, she gets no closer. Then, her interactions begin Read More

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Happy Turkey Day

Andre — Thu, 22 Nov 2018 15:17:17 +0000

Happy Turkey Day from our flock to your herd! Thank you to all of our readers and contributors, and we hope you enjoy that other holiday.

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Celebratory Collage

Andre — Wed, 17 Oct 2018 18:30:30 +0000

To our readers and contributors, thank you for a wonderful first year, from our whole herd! In celebration, we present this collage of memories because, oh, you know. – Elephants Never

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Lament

Andre — Mon, 01 Oct 2018 18:48:23 +0000

City elephants never lament. We gave it up when we moved off the savanna. For one thing, city code discourages open-air burials. And everything needs a permit, even public displays of mourning. It makes sense. Can you imagine if we did it the old way? Traffic remains snarled near Columbus Circle while fifteen pachyderms continue their vigil for a herd member who Read More

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Trees?

Andre — Thu, 20 Sep 2018 18:44:01 +0000

While you ponder how pachyderms get into trees, take some time to read Linda M. Crate‘s poem, ‘the last laugh.’ Or peruse our recent trunkated tale about how elephants never outwit. (Do you notice a theme here?) And for some history behind the green-and-white joke card above, check out our brief discussion of ‘Elephant Jokes.’ Now, without further ado, Read More

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