by Val Rigodon
God came back to Earth in the year 2018.
He appeared in front of every single person in the form of a dog. Different people got different breeds.
If you were having lunch in your high school cafeteria, two dogs appeared in the east and west of the cafeteria.
If you were in a board meeting, a dog appeared on the conference table.
If you were on a bus, a dog appeared on the dashboard, by the wheel.
If you were under the ocean, a dog gently floated down from the intertidal zone in front of you.
Dogs appeared on the evening news next to anchors, around the ankles of the weatherman.
“Hi, everybody,” He said and everyone knew Him to be the Lord God.
“Sorry I’m late. So, so, so sorry. I kept meaning to come back sooner, but things have been…I mean. Ok. I’m back. I’m here to pick you up.”
Edith Patel pushed up in her bed, crumpled tissues and pill foils falling off her. The brown-and-white St. Bernard licked His shoulder apologetically.
“What the fuck?” several billion said.
“Pick us up?” several hundred million said.
“I repent!” a few million said.
“Laaaaaawl, what though?” some million said.
“God, please heal me right now, I’m in so much pain,” a couple thousand said.
“Yeah, uhuh, sure,” some hundreds said.
“Awesome, let’s go,” said one girl.
“I didn’t mean to leave you all here for so long. Things really ran away from me. ▒▒▒▒ just took so much time to make. I’m not going to make excuses, though. I messed up.”
LiangZhong Xin hiked up his pressed, black trousers and squatted in front of The Coonhound. His briefcase knocked against the sidewalk.
“他妈的你在说什么?”
“This universe…” God said. He sighed, swallowed, and licked His wet nose. “I made this universe by accident. There. I said it. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”
“Huh?” Ibironke Olisemeka said. She had dropped her coffee mug on the ground, and it was soaking into the suitcase she was packing for her upcoming business trip to Ghana.
When The Tiny Yorkshire Terrier went to lick it up, she pushed it away with her foot.
“Well, I was building the world, and…I was making good progress, about halfway done. Then I look over and I see all this runoff everywhere. Everywhere. I hadn’t anticipated it at all. But instead of cleaning it up right away, I decided it would be best to leave it until I was done with ▒▒▒▒. Then next thing I know there are stars forming and fire and neutrinos and all this weird stuff. I should have just cleaned it up.”
Doutzen Niijhof cradled The Rat Terrier under her arm, and began walking. God or not, dogs were not allowed in the tulip acres.
“I don’t understand what You’re saying,” Valentina Twowolf said. He had been in the process of pulling his binder down over his shoulders when The Alaskan Husky had walked out of his closet. “So…what? We were all mistakes? We’re not supposed to be here?”
“No, no, no, no. Of course not. Don’t ever say that,” God said. “You’re not mistakes. You’re…accidents. But that doesn’t even matter now, because I’m here to pick you guys up. Let’s go. I’m taking you all to ▒▒▒▒.”
“؟Que es…como Vos dice? Chh-ch…que?” asked Pilar Arocho.
“▒▒▒▒! Home! The world I’ve been working on for half of eternity! My magnum opus! My perfect world where all my creations…and you guys, can live together and I can watch over you! It’s great. There’s so much food, but you don’t even have to eat it!” said God.
“Watch over us?” Darrell Domino signed. “Watch over us in past, You didn’t? For thousands and thousands of years? Over everything we do?”
The Corgi ran around the pong table in the rec room of the college dorm in circles and half circles, and somehow Darrell Domino understood.
“I told you, I’ve been busy! I had many things to do! ▒▒▒▒ was not even finished when you all were born. I would have never just made you guys and left you languishing in this deathtrap for millennia if it wasn’t important. I checked on you guys when, like, the fifth galaxy was born and you all seemed to be doing fine, and now I’m back.”
Alebdy Osman asked “ماذا عن النبي؟”
“Who?”
“Jesus,” enunciated Yvette Rosemary Highsmith. She was fanning herself on the humid porch of her antebellum two story as The Chocolate Labrador cocked His head. “Your son?”
“Vous, Vous! Jezi Kris!” exclaimed Reynard Jorge to The Chihuahua trembling on the dashboard of his painted bus.
“Um, sorry. I don’t know who you’re talking about. Can we discuss this later when we’re on ▒▒▒▒, please? Everyone is waiting for us.”
“ทุกคนคือใคร”
“Everyone! Your siblings! The hydrogen atoms are there and the tardigrades and dark matter and Sasquatch and the greys and the mermaids and everyone! They all want to meet you. I’ve been going around this mess picking up everyone I could. You’re my last stop. I’m so excited for you all to finally be there together. You didn’t think I’d leave you here, did you? In this wasteland? It’s just some slime that started growing mold!” God The Pomeranian danced on His hind legs. “Let’s go, come on!”
No one said anything.
“Oh…I see,” said God. “I…I understand if you want to stay here a little while longer. To say goodbye. I won’t drag you away from your first—”
An elephant trumpeted out a short song.
“Yeah?” asked God. “You sure? You promise? No take backs. Just kidding, you can visit this spot whenever you want!”
Then The Dogs barked one simultaneous bark and the universe was sponged up and it was Good.
Val Rigodon is a Brooklyn writer, explorer, and a deposed goblin prince who went mad with power. You can more of her and her work on Twitter @valdritch.