Hit

“No! I can’t.” The little pachyderm plopped down dramatically in front of the herd. “Yes, you can,” replied his aunt, not slowing. “We haven’t been walking for long. A big, strong pachyderm could keep going.” “I’m too hurt, I can’t stand. Look.” As his aunt passed by, the little pachyderm tossed himself onto his side, puffing dust into the air. Read More

Beget (Violence)

The evening commute on the NYC subway system requires one to maintain patience, divest oneself of personal space, and ignore a substantial amount of noise. I do none of those three things well. My huge ears pick up far too much commuter crazy. No body configuration allows me to stand comfortably without jostling humans. And I’m a city pachyderm; I Read More

Foretell

“Come on, dude, just try it,” said Geoff, pushing the transparent sphere at Pacey. The big male shoved it away. His ears flapped as he shook his head. “Nope, not happening,” Pacey said. “What? Come on,” chirped Geoff. “It’s a friggin’ crystal ball! Take it for a spin.” “Elephants never foretell,” said Pacey. “What? What is that? A family motto?” Geoff Read More

New Year’s Eve Pachyderm Protocols

Happy New Year’s Eve! It’s the biggest party of the year, and we don’t have to go to work on Monday, so, rock star. Tell the Old Year Bye Now, I don’t know how you felt about 2017. I liked it. This year, I got a new job and started a website (which 3 people actually read, thanks!), so me Read More

Let (Friends Drive Drunk)

“Alright, I give, how can you tell if there is a pachyderm in the bathtub with you?” “You can smell the peanuts on his breath!” Ethan trumpets loudly, like he’s just told the funniest joke he knows. Rick feels a little fuzzy, but maybe not drunk enough to laugh at that one. “Yeeeah, maybe keep your gig at the zoo, Read More

5 Things Elephants Never Get

Here are 5 things elephants never get for Christmas, but always wish for anyway: Peace on earth and goodwill toward everyone Round tennis shoes An end to the ivory trade Pogo sticks Wool trunk warmers

Get (Coal)

“Coal? Coal?! Elephants never get coal. Whose rear brain kicked in and made you think of giving me COAL!?!” Evelyn’s voice got louder and shriller as disbelief and indignation sank in. “What, you think Santa Claus will save your saggy butt from a whooping when I find you?!” Evelyn tossed the Christmas stocking to the floor and trumpeted, blowing off Read More

Elephant Jokes

We here at Elephants Never love elephants, in case you hadn’t made that connection. And while we appreciate pachyderms’ majesty and human-like qualities, elephant jokes also make us laugh. Family Heirlooms “How can you tell if there’s an elephant in your refrigerator?” “Easy, the door won’t close.” “No, because there are footprints in the butter!” “In the butter?” “Or the Read More

Adopt an Elephant

If you enjoy pachyderms as much as we do, great opportunities abound to adopt an elephant or contribute to pachyderm preservation efforts. Elephants Never has pledged support to our namesakes, and we invite you to join us. Elephant Fun It’s all fun and games until somebody loses a spleen! – Youth Hockey Coach Elephants Never began with an impulse: “Wouldn’t Read More

Set

“Elgin,” called the mother pachyderm over her shoulder, not moving from the counter. No response. She leaned back and aimed her voice at the living room. “Elgin!” “What?” came the surly male voice. “Get in here!” No response. With a huff, the mother, Pauline, shook the water off her forelimbs and moved to the living room door. She trumpeted. Just Read More