The smell on the wind perplexes me. Heavily musky yet thinly rank, the odor possesses weight and weakness. As I follow the scent up the hill, I wonder what manner of beast I will encounter. Certainly, I do not expect some sickly gnu. And healthy rhinos give off an acrid aroma that most predators describe as “rage.” No, this beast Read More
Tag: elephants never
Sweat
Elewisa stands at the podium, redirecting dangerous questions while keeping on message. The bright, flashing lights bathe him in heat, and the reporters hunger for a juicy story. Yet, Elewisa’s huge, gray feet do not budge. He remains cool, calm, unflappable. Massive ears shiver in the breeze. (Well, almost unflappable.) A solid boulder amid the chaos. And not a drop Read More
Happy Father’s Day
Today I feel blessed to hug my son and to feel my daughter kick inside her mother’s womb. More, however, I feel blessed to have my father visiting, and to share my family with him. Not everyone can celebrate someone today, and I recognize that others might prefer to ignore the holiday. But on Father’s Day, take time to honor Read More
Split
Dear Wife, I feel the winds of autumn sneak beneath the door, and I know it’s time to leave. But I don’t want to go. Watching our daughter cavort in the mud the other day, my tusks started to ache – I was smiling so hard! Nearby, you chased our son as he rampaged through the park, terrifying squirrels with his Read More
Forbid
“Young lady, I cannot believe you think it’s appropriate to leave the house like that!” “Mom! Quit trumpeting in my face. Jeez, I’m a grown pachyderm.” “That’s up for debate, little Miss Bubblegum Nails.” “What? It’s alternating sage and rose. I have to do something to minimize these giant foot pads you and Dad gave me.” “Oh, now that is Read More
Donut Day
Happy National Donut Day to all of my fellow over-worked, pastry-loving Americans! While times seem tough and truth murky, at least we can support deep-fried rings of dough covered in sugar. In fact, we may just need to add a good donut to the list of 5 Foods Elephants Never Forgo. Now, go on out there and get you a Read More
Abet
I sit chained, both literally and figuratively, a cage and my own reluctance restraining me. The square-jawed thug leans forward, menacing me with his wrinkled suit and five o’clock shadow. “Look, we knows ya got an in to da PD. All ya gotta do is feed dem a little…” he slows for effect, “misinformation, shall we say.” A smile twists Read More
Elephant Aviation
When composing this week’s Elephants Never Jet, I wanted to allude to famous figures from aviation history. First, Howard Hughes came to mind, principally because he played a big part in The Rocketeer movie. Plus, he has a biopic of his own that you might have heard about. Hughes today has the reputation of an innovator, rebel, and eccentric who Read More
Jet
The engines powered up with a tusk-rattling THRUM, and Erskine grinned, despite himself. The sound was music to his big ears. He heard no whine of whistling air, no rising pitch as massive fans got up to speed. Instead, Erskine’s antigrav thrusters gave off a solid, sci-fi hum that vibrated the whole craft and sounded like power. Cycling through his Read More
Silly Card
Full disclosure, when planning to launch this website, I Googled. I fed both “elephants never” and “an elephant never” into searches. So I knew before this week that elephants never baguette had a precursor. Moreover, I made sure to have Phoebe the pachyderm baker quote this silly card from Jelly Armchair. I did not, however, realize until today that I Read More