Here are 5 things elephants never get for Christmas, but always wish for anyway: Peace on earth and goodwill toward everyone Round tennis shoes An end to the ivory trade Pogo sticks Wool trunk warmers
Tag: elephants never
Get (Coal)
“Coal? Coal?! Elephants never get coal. Whose rear brain kicked in and made you think of giving me COAL!?!” Evelyn’s voice got louder and shriller as disbelief and indignation sank in. “What, you think Santa Claus will save your saggy butt from a whooping when I find you?!” Evelyn tossed the Christmas stocking to the floor and trumpeted, blowing off Read More
Fit
“Look, I really don’t understand what the problem is. I built you a customized minivan, to your own specifications no less! And now when you’ve come to take possession, you’re changing your minds?” “It’s really good work. We like it, we really do.” “But we just have some concerns about whether the interior space will really work with our family’s Read More
Adopt an Elephant
If you enjoy pachyderms as much as we do, great opportunities abound to adopt an elephant or contribute to pachyderm preservation efforts. Elephants Never has pledged support to our namesakes, and we invite you to join us. Elephant Fun It’s all fun and games until somebody loses a spleen! – Youth Hockey Coach Elephants Never began with an impulse: “Wouldn’t Read More
Forsake
I sit by the window in the dining room, staring out at a landscaped, artistic yard I no longer see beauty in. My coffee has grown cold, and I’ve told my one remaining servant to let it be. Even if he warms it up, I won’t drink it. The spring blossoms have begun to forsake their trees. Summer’s heat will Read More
Handmade Gifts
Have you finished your Christmas shopping?! I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist – like every website, TV ad, and storefront hasn’t been yelling that at you since Halloween. At least we waited until December, right? But the time has come, the elephant said, to discuss family traditions and handmade gifts. Christmas with the Fam Full disclosure: I am not going to Read More
Knit
Elina has been my friend through six crazy years of high school and college. Moving in together, however, marks the start of a new adventure. I have to outfit us properly for the journey. When a classmate first introduced Elina to me at a party, I didn’t think we’d get along. For starters, I prefer lounging on couches and worming Read More
Ebb Tide
In case you had not guessed it, I am a fan of elephants — wild pachyderms, cartoon elephants, stuffies, whatever. And I am inclined, in this space, to endorse those adopting an elephant logo, mascot, or business purpose. Sadly, however, not all who invoke the elephant can be part of this herd. Which brings me to Alabama football. Because contrary Read More
Happy Thanksgiving!
Elephants never forget to give thanks for their families, friends, and loved ones. On Thanksgiving, neither should you. Don’t be this guy: Holiday Inn The picture above comes from the classic movie Holiday Inn, starring Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire. If you’ve never had the pleasure, I think the story, dancing, and music by Irving Berlin make it worth a Read More
Set
“Elgin,” called the mother pachyderm over her shoulder, not moving from the counter. No response. She leaned back and aimed her voice at the living room. “Elgin!” “What?” came the surly male voice. “Get in here!” No response. With a huff, the mother, Pauline, shook the water off her forelimbs and moved to the living room door. She trumpeted. Just Read More